Occasionally we have moments of clarity and I was delighted to have one of those tonight.
I finally understood for the first time what my husband had been telling me for the 20 years we were together. "I Love Loving You." I thought I understood but I hadn't, really. He always said he loved me more than I loved him and I had to concur without really understanding the depth of his capacity to love. What an example he was. He taught me much then and still does.
Tonight I was feeling so desperately lonely in my isolation, that it wasn't so much about the company of those that I love being absent, but my lack of ability to extend my love towards them. Having spent the majority of my life as a daughter, wife and mother, those were roles I fufilled with my utmost love and attention. They were a natural extension of my being. They were taken away from me in my mid 50's and it's been very difficult to come to terms with. In fact, I never have.
For me love has never been about receiving but in the giving. It's always been part of 'the who I am'. A Nurturer. Why I have loved My beloved Archie, my family, my 2 beautiful Sons and my adored pets and plants. I have always put everyone else first so since loosing my beloved Myki, my last outlet, there has been a huge void and perhaps why I have this constant craving in the pit of my heart and stomach that nothing can relieve.
It felt good however sad, to come to this realization. This will change my perception and I will think about options of what I might do to find another outlet in the future. That's a hopeful thought.
~ Tutte ~
